It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written a personal post on the blog, and I thought it was time to give you all a little update and answer some questions I’ve received about how I’m faring.
Before I share more though I want you to know I’m not a medical professional and the details of my experience are personal. While I hope you’ll try these methods, if you are experiencing depression please seek help. You can find resources and seek out qualified therapists at NAMI. If you need to speak with someone immediately or are considering suicide please call 1-800-273-8255 where someone is available 24/7.
It’s been 9 months since I shared that I had been struggling with depression. First I have to thank everyone who commented or reached out to me since then. I still receive emails about that post, and I appreciate that more than I could ever express.
Depression doesn’t magically lift or go away, but there are things you can do to help yourself. With seasonal or low level depression you can often take a holistic approach using diet, exercise, stress relief, and more to help you combat your depression. With moderate to severe depression though it’s often necessary to use medication to help your brain function properly. While I’m always interested in using holistic methods as a first line of defense sometimes it’s just not enough. In my case it wasn’t enough to ‘walk it off’ or eat better, I needed help.
When I shared that I was struggling I also shared that I had started taking medication to combat my depression. Due to the (annoying) nature of anti-depressants it can take weeks to see any benefit and even after 6-8 weeks you may need to increase dosages to get the ‘right’ balance for you brain.
All about Medications
I started off on citalopram (aka Celexa) and we increased my dosage until it seemed to be working well. Eventually I felt like the anti-depressants were keeping me on the right track. Yes, I’d still be sad sometimes, but I would be happy too. And I could really feel. I went from this feeling of surface emotions to emotions that could suddenly reach deep into my soul.
The only concern was there were some unwanted side effects. Mainly weight gain. While it wasn’t the worst thing I could have experienced once the weather warmed up (winter seems to be hardest for me) my doctor and I decided to try a new medication to see if it helped.
Changing Medications
We added bupropion (aka Wellbutrin) to the mix and I decreased my dosage of citalopram. I found a dosage and rhythm that worked well-taking a small dose of Celexa and every other day taking Wellbutrin for a few months, but the weight was stubborn, so again consulting with my doctor’s office we agreed to try to work towards only being on the bupropin since many patients experience weight loss on it.
I worked my way off the Celexa slowly (since withdraw can cause issues and I experienced dizziness). I had to reduce dosages until eventually I was able to completely stop without any dizziness. Then was solely taking the Wellbutrin.
Wellbutrin is very ‘activating’ and made me experience anger in a way that I didn’t feel was good for me or my family. Like bursts of anger or frustration over nothing. It wasn’t a good feeling either. Leading me to be hard on myself for being angry or frustrated even though it wasn’t something I could totally control. So, I slowly reduced that until I was completely off both medications.
My hope was that by being off both medications it would allow me to lose the weight I had put on (about 15 pounds) and I would work harder on finding ways to combat my depression (which was manageable at this point) without medication.
No More Drugs
That was about a month ago, and since then I have experienced a lot of emotional toil and some lingering side effects. While I know I could go back to experimenting with medication I think it’s best for me at the moment to focus on other ways I can combat depression. It’s not easy at all. I have moments that I feel like I’m spiraling back to where I started, but thankfully I have support I can lean on (mainly my amazing husband) whenever I need a hug or a kick in the pants.
The kicker-I’ve actually GAINED weight going off both medications. So, the first one added 15 pounds, the second medication saw me lose 5, and now I’m up 20 pounds. I know I’ll be better off this way, and while the weight gain frustrates me I know I can change that given time. I’m working on making small changes in my diet and increasing my exercise to help, but so far the scale is being very stubborn.
Where I’m at Now
So, while I’m not exactly where I want to be emotionally and physically I feel healthier now than I did on the medication. I know that medication is life-saving for many people, and I truly think it helped get me over the ‘hump’ of my depression last year. Additionally, I wouldn’t ever say I won’t use it again-but I know I’m not in the same place I was a year ago.
In the end I think my depression is somewhat mild-practically a part of my introverted personality, but during the winter and in stressful situations it tends to get worse. A big part of this is that during the winter I practically hibernate, and when I’m dealing with a stressful situations or a super busy schedule the time I make for taking care of myself is the first thing to go out the window.
#TakeBackME
My aim this month is to take back me, inspired by my friend Erin (read more about the movement she’s created here) After all February is a time to share your love-so I plan to give myself plenty of love this month by fueling and moving my body more and taking time to do things that ‘fill my tank.’
Ways I’m working to Combat Depression without Medication
These are some of the ways I’m working to combat my depression and take more time for me. I’m still working on all these, so this is by no means a definitive list, only what I have the capacity for at the moment.
Exercise
The benefits of exercise and physical activity can’t be stressed enough. While it can be hard to get motivated to get moving when you’re depressed there are some ways I’ve found that help me move more. Find a walking buddy, use a FitBit or similar tool to track your movement, get active with the kids (dance parties are a favorite here), and simply making time to walk once a day (well, when it’s not snowing out).
Food
Food is actually more important than exercise in my book. What we choose to fuel our bodies with can make a huge difference to our mood and those nagging symptoms we may not even notice like headaches, joint pain, or stomachaches. Giving up gluten was a huge help for me but I need to do better.
I plan to do a full elimination diet in the Spring (when there are more fresh options), but for now I’m eliminating sugar and dairy to see if those help. In addition I’m adding more fruits and veggies to my diet by juicing and making smoothies with our Vitamix.
Stress Relief
We all have different ways to relieve stress including gardening, cooking, crafts, knitting, or any other hobby you find relaxing. For me I find reading (not online) and painting or drawing to be tremendous stress relievers. I’m working to incorporate more of this into my week.
Meditation and Yoga
I know they may not seem like they are for everyone but simple guided meditations and yoga you can do at home are both simple practices that will allow you to connect with yourself in the midst of a chaotic day.
Sex and Intimacy
Yes, I’m going there. Intimacy like hugging, backrubs, kissing-these are all things that often fall by the wayside when we’re busy with life and kids. Taking some time to kiss each other goodbye in the morning or sit on the couch and hold hands. That connection is extremely healing. Sex is a proven stress reliever and it’s a wonderful way to connect with your partner or spouse. The benefits reach well beyond the act. (plus it burns calories!)
Make Time for Friends
I know I struggle with this the most when I’m feeling down or depressed, but being around others (especially positive people!) helps us get out of our heads. I tend to push people away when I get depressed, and it takes a true friend to stick by you during that struggle. By virtue of my introverted personality and our busy schedules it’s hard for me to make time for being social, but I keep pushing myself to connect with friends and colleagues (my work at home social media friends) in real life as often as I can. I don’t have a ton of close friends, so making time for those I do care about is key. Sometimes I have to practically push myself out the door and then I’m so glad I did.
Travel
I love to travel, and while it’s not something I can afford to do often I find that I need to have some break in the routine to help pull me out of my rut. Seeing new things, exploring a new place-it all just brings you outside of yourself in a wayyour day to day routine can’t. At this point I haven’t traveled anywhere in months and I definitely think that was a mistake this winter. Even a day trip or brief overnight trip can be a huge help for me.
Hopefully this will help someone else who is struggling like I did and it will answer your questions- but if not you can always email me or leave a comment.
As a reminder: I’m not a medical professional and the details of my experience are personal. While I hope you’ll try these methods, if you are experiencing depression please seek help. You can find resources and seek out qualified therapists at NAMI. If you need to speak with someone immediately or are suicidal please call 1-800-273-8255 where someone is available 24/7.
Kelly
5minutesformom (@5minutesformom) says
Depression is so difficult… I’m sorry you’re struggling with it.
Janice and I both battle it. I’ve been on Paxil since I was about 20 years old. It works really well for me. Janice started getting depressed after having her first baby. While she was on Paxil for a while, she changed it and tried various medications to find something different. It’s complicated and hard to test medications and she still didn’t really find a wonderful option.
But overall both of our depressions are under control and we’re thankful for that.
Exercise and taking time to look after yourself are so important. All the best!
Thank you for reading it! That really means a lot, honestly.
@hereverycentcounts:disqus I need to head over and re-read what you’ve written (it’s been awhile!). That is a great point. I read friend’s Facebook update yesterday that said something like saying ‘I’m fine’ when people ask how you are is the biggest/most frequent lie. We really do value everything being ‘ok’ by appearances on the outside as a culture, and I think that needs to shift. I see it happening, but I hope it continues to shift as we find the courage to share our struggles.
@drbrandienemchenko:disqus, you’re an introvert? Color me impressed, you camouflage it well and I can imagine after a long day in the office you must love being at home!
It’s definitely tough when I both want to be home, but don’t want to miss out! But like you as I get older I’m learning my limits and learning to be okay with them.
Thank you so much. I appreciate your kind words, and all the love you’re sending my way!
Absolutely! It’s a ‘lie’ our brain tells us that somehow causes depression or anxiety to be worse! There is nothing ‘wrong’ with us, it’s just our brains work a little differently, and in many ways those differences actually bring about some other amazing talents that we wouldn’t otherwise have. (at least that’s what I like to think!)
Thank YOU for sharing!
Thank you for stopping by and reading it! That really helps me feel less alone. Just being heard is sometimes all we need, you know?
Spoken like a fellow introvert! I’m an odd mix that way. I LOVE being social, but when I’m done I need to retreat and be alone.
Processed foods definitely contribute to health and mental health issues-so I avoid them like the plague! I feel like I’m figuring out that other things cause the same issues for me. I’m glad that St. John’s Wort has helped you!
Same to you @barbarahoyer:disqus!
@kelly_moran:disqus thank you for sharing your story! it is amazing how much comfort and strength we get from simply sharing our struggles. While I know not everyone has struggled with or witnessed depression first hand I think people understand it so much better now, and if they don’t educating them isn’t as hard as it once was.
I love that! I need to get back into the practice of regular yoga. It’s good for my body, mind, and soul!
Lauryn thank you for your kind words. I hope it helps someone-I know reading about other people dealing with their own depression/anxiety or even everyday struggles has been tremendously helpful for me.
Thank you Jennifer. It so much more common than people realize, and one of the many ‘lies’ I tell myself is that I’m alone in it-which couldn’t be further from the truth!
@amy_momadvice:disqus thank you for sharing your story and what works for you! Vitamin D is definitely a HUGE help. I always get deficient, so taking a consistent high dose year-round and upping it in the winter helps tremendously.
Love you, too!
I’m so proud of you for sharing your journey! I have battled depression too and can see myself slipping when winter hits. I started taking Vitamin D which has helped so much and also was recommended 5HTP to take twice daily. That helps me a lot and sometimes I pop an extra one if I am having a particularly hard day with my kids and the everyday stress.
I bounced around on antidepressants, but the side effects were always worse than the depression. I have learned if I exercise, sleep, practice yoga, and go to church that I feel much, much better. I also have tried replacing my evening stress-reliever of wine with hot tea with milk & honey so I can start my day on a better foot.
Love you!!
Thank you for sharing. I am seeing and hearing so many bloggers in our circles are sharing their struggles with depression. I admire all of your strength & courage.
Kelly, you are open, honest, and strong. Thanks for sharing your story so that others that may be going through the some of the same types of struggles may not feel so alone. I can imagine the weight gain is frustrating but spring is coming and hopefully fresh air will help many things!
Thank you for sharing! Yoga has always been my go to when I’m feeling really done. Of course it takes a lot of forcing myself to get out of bed to do it
Kelly Moran says
Big (((HUGS))) to you Kelly for sharing your story. Like you I have been on medication for depression - and weaned off with the doctor’s help for many of the same reasons you mentioned in your post. The weight gain for me was similar - and I thought once I went off I would lose the weight I put on - but I also gained another 10-15 pounds. I often wonder if there are studies about others out there who have been on these medications. Anyway, I have been off medication for over 2 years now and I have tried adjusting my diet and keeping up with exercise to help keep myself in check. I often worry that my depression can come back anytime - and with a vengeance as it has in times past. I have learned that nothing is more important that reaching out for help during those really low times. I have been amazed at the support and encouragement I have found by finally sharing my story with my own friends and family. It is a relief to know that I am not alone. Thank you for sharing your story as well - You are in my thoughts.
Great post! I think being introverted can be so stressful in ways that extroverts don’t realize. Being around large crowds can be so draining, and add in lack of sleep, or not eating the right foods that work for our particular body, and BOOM!
I never tried medication myself, though I know the option is there if I need it. I found for me that taking St. John’s Wort and staying away from processed food has helped a lot. Processed food makes me more anxious and more inclined to get depressed about stuff. I feel like I’m on a much more even keel now, and I don’t get as mad or upset about stuff as I used to.
Hugs! And you’re in my thoughts.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience with this serious issue. The tools you have shared that have helped you on journey are excellent ones. I really appreciate you taking the time to be so honest and open about this struggle. Love, Becky from Life with Kaishon
I really appreciate your honesty with this. I have some anxiety issues and one of the hardest parts is feeling alone like something is “wrong with you”. When people share their experiences it makes us realize that these issues are a lot more prevalent that we might think.
Dr. Brandie Nemchenko says
Kelly - Nice post! <3 <3 <3
I, as a fellow introvert, would not leave the house, and not because I'm afraid of outside or people or hate my job (which I love) - I just love to be home. Love it. I love quiet things. Simple things.
I love to read and putz and play with my girls. I think discovering what makes us tick and honoring it isn't wrong, although it seems life is happening for everyone else (and I'm missing out!)!
The thing is - the older I get - the more I don't care. It is the small moments that makes my heart comfortable and happy.
I know you may think I'm blowing sunshine somewhere - but I think you are awesomesauce and are great the way you are. I've always admired your grace and honesty. You have a gift with connecting and I hope that your piece inspires others to know it is ok to talk about it.
Embrace the small that makes you happy. You are very loved!
<3,
Me.
hereverycentcounts says
Great post Kelly. If you ever read my blog you know I also struggle quite a bit with depression and anxiety. I think a lot of people do and we all try to hide it so much but it’s natural to struggle at times - some people do more than others. Thank you for being open and I’m glad to see you are finding ways to heal yourself without meds (I hate meds too and have been through a slew of them, but trying to survive med free.)
Kelly, Thanks for being so open and honest in this post. I am sure this was not easiest post to write. Congrats on doing what is best FOR YOU, and for remaining flexible about your options.